Today I stumbled into the complex realization that several of what I've considered to be foundational components of myself no longer hold a foundational place in my life.
I do not revolve my day around writing or painting or photography. I do not make habits surrounding creativity, nor do I strive toward artistic goals. I do not wake thinking, "I cannot wait to make something today." Instead I catch myself thinking, "I hope I'll have time for my to-do list after work...I hope that I'll have time to make something once I finish my to-list."
I hope I have a shred of time for even one of these foundations of myself that have somehow eroded into unpracticed hobbies...it baffles me how seamlessly this concept now rolls off the tongue.
And the real trouble is, I don't have a clue how to fix it. And I know I've been here before. I do not want to give up my work and I never seem to complete my to-do list, and since I've been here before, I know these thoughts will spiral into the ultimately nauseating slap in the face that is the failure to prioritize what's really important. Followed by the question of, "what if I go my whole life without doing the things that really matter?"
And then Billy starts to sing, "slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be before your time..."
But then what am I supposed to be? And how do I choose?
And the hopelessness arrests my heart and I feel tears well in my eyes and I think to myself, you've gotta stop this, Casey. You have so many other things to do.
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